Unitarian
Universalist Fellowship of Corvallis
Corvallis,
Oregon
Is There No Safe Place?
October 9, 2005
Rev. Gretchen Woods
At the very
end of August, 2002, for no reason that I can discern, images of violence done
to me within my own family came back to me. I was certainly not looking for
them at the time. In years previous, I had been told that my profile in the
Minnesota Multi-phasic Personality Index, taken as part of my assessment for
ministry at the Oakland Center for Ministry, indicated strongly that I had
probably experienced this. I spent time in therapy, but did not surface any
real memories. My father confirmed the suspicions by telling me that my mother
had surfaced similar memories about three years before she died, but I had
nothing more than an image of a man’s head back-lighted in a doorway.
As the
images finally unfolded, I understood how my mother had experienced violence,
but also how the man who perpetrated the violence also probably was abused. His
father had lived in “Five Corners” in New York City when such behavior was
considered the norm for an adult male. I found the movie, “The Gangs of New
York” incredibly helpful in understanding this long-standing pattern of
violence in my own family. It does not excuse it, it just makes it more
understandable.
Perhaps, in
pre-conscious response, I married an unusually gentle man, who also had
experienced violence in his family. Together, we vowed to raise our children
outside the family patterns. Each of us failed, in that we did spank our sons
at least once each. Still, I now perceive that my mother succeeded far beyond
her father in breaking the patterns of violence and in creating a safer
environment than she experienced. I hope my ex-husband and I did so as well. I
am convinced that any evolution in human consciousness will include finding
better ways than violence to deal with differences.
With that
in mind, and because October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month in the states
of Oregon and Washington, let us spend a few moments together educating
ourselves about these patterns of human behavior, how they arise even in
Unitarian Universalist homes, and what we need to do to create safe space
within our congregations. Like the Domestic Abuse Intervention Program at
Community Outreach here in Corvallis, we believe “. . . that violence is
learned, chosen, and generally stems from a desire to control others.”
(Community Outreach newsletter, 2005, volume 2, p. 3.) Therefore, we also
believe that those “. . . who abuse should be held responsible for their own
actions, and that they have the power to change their own behaviors.”
What do we know about domestic
violence?
Intimate
partner violence (IPV) is a major public health problem that occurs within all
social, economic, religious, and cultural groups. Women’s risk of IPV is three
times higher than men’s risk, but this ratio becomes even more pronounced as
the severity of the assault increases, with female victims far more likely to
be seriously injured or killed. For example, women are about 2 to 3 times more
likely than men to report that their partner pushed or shoved them, but 7 to 14
times more likely to report being beat up, choked, or threatened with a gun or
knife. Furthermore, the rate of intimate partner homicide is four times higher
for Oregon women than for Oregon men. . .
¾One in
ten Oregon women age 20-55 experienced physical and/or sexual assault by an
intimate partner in the five years preceding the survey – over 85,000 women.
¾Approximately
30,000 women (3%) experienced IPV in the 12 months preceding the survey. . .
¾Children
witnessed 33% of intimate partner physical assaults and 20% of intimate partner
sexual assaults. . .
¾Most
women who experienced IPV did not report the most recent incident to the
police. Common reasons for not reporting IPV to police included the belief that
he incident was “too minor” or “not a police matter” and fear of th
perpetrator.
¾About
one-fourth of physical assault victims and one fifth of sexual assault victims
got a restraining order against the intimate partner who assaulted them.
(“Intimate Partner Violence in Oregon: Findings from the Oregon Women’s
Health and Safety Survey. April, 2004)
Perhaps
this story, just one of thousands, makes it more real:
“[The victim was] shot to death by her estranged husband as
she was sitting in her car near her aunt and uncle’s home. [He approached her
Toyota and shot her in front of her two young children. He then took the
children back to his apartment building, where he locked them in the hallway,
called 911 to say he’d killed his wife, and then shot and killed himself. The shooting
occurred just after a court hearing to modify a restraining order with regard
to his visitation of the children.”(Bernstein, M. “Portland’s 2001 homicides.” The Oregonian;
Portland, OR: January 7. 2002.)
It would be
all too easy to go into paralysis or to dismiss these stories as “not about
us.” But such violence takes place in Unitarian Universalist homes as well.
Socio-economic class, education, none of this exempts us from the human
condition and the tendency toward violence. We may hide it better and carry off
denial with more aplomb. In fact, often, we blame the victims, rather than the
perpetrators. As the Rev. Edward Frost, recently retired UU minister in
Atlanta, GA, wrote:
. . . Once we have defined ourselves as good, we need to
have it clear with ourselves that we certainly would not do
something like that.
When someone good – like ourselves – does something we
consider to be heinous, we are not merely angry. We are betrayed. And we are
frightened. Our notions of good and evil are betrayed. We are threatened with
uncertainly about what we ourselves may be capable of. Our impulse, then, is to
side with the assumed goodness of the accused and to at least figuratively join
the mob casting stones at the victim. (Frost, Edward. “When Good People Do Bad
Things.”
It was
virtually impossible for me to accept that a young woman in one of our UU
congregations was experiencing the level of physical and sexual threat that
ultimately caused her to leave her Unitarian Universalist family of origin. I had
to throw my own hands up and offer her support through the Community Youth
Worker Program where she lived, because it was unthinkable to me that such
violence was possible among our own. Of course, at that time, I could also not
imagine how her situation actually mirrored my own childhood. The courts,
however, believed her, and placed her in a foster home.
Ultimately,
our Unitarian Purposes and Principles, beginning with the inherent worth and
dignity of every person and justice, equity, and compassion in our relations,
call us to create safe places for individuals in danger. I ran away to the
woods. (I sometimes wonder if I married Ed Woods partly because his name
signified safety for me.) How much better to support places like the Center
Against Rape and Domestic Violence here in Corvallis? I hope each of you will
consider going to the workshop at 1PM this afternoon to learn how you can be an
advocate for alternatives to violence.
And helping
CARDV is not our only outlet. Those who continue to practice Compassionate
Communication here at the Fellowship intentionally learn skills that will help
them help themselves and others find better ways to understand their feelings
and needs. Each of us can develop a spiritual practice of identifying and
releasing our sense of being out of control and of the needs that drive us to
violence.
Most often,
a perpetrator of violence has huge needs for power and control. They feel out
of control and unable to get what they need, so they resort to violence. They
may also find hope in opportunities to learn other responses. As Vern
Dickinson, who taught the Domestic Abuse Intervention Program for over twelve
years at Community Outreach, observed of one resistant participant, “Once the
guys in the Program who’d been in it longer started talking, you could see the
change in the guy’s face. A good attitude works like contagion.” Our own UU
perspective is that people have choices and can change. It is up to us to learn
and project “good attitudes.”
Several
years ago, this congregation spent a weekend with Anne Heller, then District
Executive of the Pacific Northwest District of the Unitarian Universalist
Association, developing our first Covenant of Right Relations. More important
to me than the words of the covenant was the opportunity to explore how to
create a safe environment within this congregation. This, however, is not
done once, for all. It is something we have to practice, just as we practice
Compassionate Communication.
In keeping
with the search for opportunities to continue this practice, we need to create
a covenant with our co-Directors of Religious Exploration who work so directly
with our children and youth. I also believe we need to explore more deeply the
“Safe Congregations” process which develops policies and procedures that deepen
our awareness of ways in which we can make UUFC even more safe for all of us.
Words are
fine things, but practicing the actions to which they call us is the true test
of our commitment to our own values. Perhaps Antoine de St. Exupery offers the
most powerful vision of the kind of safe community we need to create for one
another as shared spiritual seekers in his poem, “From Generation to
Generation”:
In a
house which becomes a home, one hands down and another takes up the heritage of
mind and heart, laughter and tears, musings and deeds.
Love, like a carefully loaded shop, crosses the gulf between
the generations.
Therefore we do not neglect the ceremonies of our passage:
when we wed, when we die, and when we are blessed with a child;
When we depart and when we return; when we plant and when we
harvest.
Let us bring up our children. It is not the place of some
official to hand to them their heritage.
If others impart to our children our knowledge and ideals,
they will lose all of us that is wordless and full of wonder.
Let us build memories in our children, lest they drag out
joyless lives, lest they allow treasures to be lost because they have not been
given the keys.
We live not by things, but by the meanings of things. It is
needful to transmit the passwords from generation to generation.
May each of
us examine our own hearts to acknowledge the violence there, release it safely,
and help others to do the same, with respect, responsibility, and relish for
the process.
So Be it!
Blessed Be!
“Is There No Safe Place?”
October 9, 2005
9:30 and 11:00 a.m.
Welcome and Announcements
Choral Introit:
“Voices” by
Elaine Kirkland
Chalice
Lighting:
May the chalice we light today,
representing our Unitarian Universalist Principles,
provide a beacon to those in our world
who find themselves endangered by those they love
and may it light a path to a new way of living
with respect for one’s self and hope for one’s future.
Opening
Words:
We gather today in spiritual community,
seeking to study, to serve, and to celebrate life,
acknowledging that some of us live in fear for our lives
and need a home where we are safe and supported,
where we are loved and can love in return
without compromising our own integrity.
We come with questions, seeking answers,
looking for new life abundant.
May our
questions find answers in our time together.
Opening
Song:
#1003 “Where Do
We Come From?”
Where do we
come from?
What are
we?
Where are
we going?
Mystery,
mystery, mystery . . .
Life is a
riddle and a mystery.
Reading::
“After a While”
by Veronica A. Shoffstall
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while, you learn
That even the sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure. . .
That you really are strong.
And you really do have worth!
And you learn and learn. . .
With every goodbye you learn.
Opening Words:
Opening Song:
#1003 “Where Do
We Come From?”
Blessing of the Lulav
“Follow the Flame”
Reading:
“After a While”
by Veronica A. Shoffstall
Celebrating with Music
“Prayer” by Ysaye
Maria Barnwell
Sermon:
“Is There No Safe
Place?”
Spoken Response
Sung Response:
#1002 “Comfort
Me” by Mimi Bornstein-Doble
Candles of Joy and Sorrow/Offertory
Meditation
Closing Song :
#151 “I Wish I Knew
How” (verses 1 & 2)
Closing Words
Closing Song :
#151 (verses 3
& 4)